I really don't know where this blog is going to lead. But I have decided to stop trying so hard to figure it out, and just chronicle my personal experiences in physical and mental healing through yoga.
I am a 38 year old woman, and I have Degenerative Disc Disease. My surgeons say I have the spine of a 75 year old. While almost all people develop DDD over time, it is unclear as to why I have it so severely.
In 2009 I got into an accident with a bus. A few days later I wasn't able to sit in my office chair. A month later I was being sent home at lunchtime, mostly in tears. I struggled to show up to work for another 2 months, and finally had to quit the Friday before my first back surgery. I told my boss "See you in a week." That never happened.
It is now 2012 and I have since had another 2 level lumbar spinal fusion and a 2 level cervical fusion surgery. I never thought I would land here. Disabled at 38. But here I am.
Living in chronic debilitating pain colors your life. It colors your thoughts, your sleep, your concentration and your dreams for the future. I have a very long history of mental illness. Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Chronic Pain Syndrome, Anorexia and Bulimia Nervosa (in remission) and Alcoholism (in remission.) As a result of the chronic pain, these mental symptoms only worsened, and together, the mental and physical conditions have created a "perfect storm."
The physical pain caused by the bus accident has done two things. One, it has taken away my ability to work. Second, it has forced me to actually be present in my body. I lived in a numb state for many years. It was how I coped with feelings of any kind. I am currently seeing two therapists and a psychiatrist in addition to my medical team.
I have decided to pour my heart and soul into learning how to heal my body and mind. I'm a very physical person. But since I can no longer engage in many physical activities, it somewhat, by force, led me to yoga.
I have had glimpses of hope through yoga. And the only way I am going to remember it is to write about it. So this is my journey...
Cave Woman
